The Great Debate - Randy Newman

Written by：Randy Newman

Welcome welcome welcome to this great arena

Durham North Carolina the heart of the Research Triangle

We've come to this particular place tonight

'Cause we gotta look at things from every angle

We need some answers to some complicated questions

If we're going to get it right

To that end we have here gathered

Some of the most expensive scientists in the world

Eminent scientists that is

We got biologists biometricians got a quantum mechanic and astrophysicians

Got a cosmologist and a cosmetician got an astronaut

We got Astro Boy

We got he-doctors she-doctors knee doctors tree doctors

We a got a lumberjack and a life coach

On the other side we have the true believers

We got the Baptists the Methodists Presbyterians

The Episcopalians are here pass the hat

We got the Shakers the Quakers the anti innoculators

The Big Boss Line from Madison Town

The Six Blind Boys Five Tons of Joy

Give 'em room get out of the way

We got a Bible Belter from the Mississippi Delta

Have them all arranged

Scientists are you ready

First question dark matter

Oh dark matter

Give me someone knows somethin' about space

The Scientists send a representative

Nice space music Georgie

All right what is it

Where is it

Can we get some

Stand up sir would you

You are standing forgive me

Dark matter go ahead

Dark matter is out in space

It's seventy-five percent of everything

Just a moment sir

Do yourself a favor use our music

People like it and your music's making people sick

All right

It's a free country go ahead

Dark matter what is it

We don't know what it is but we think it's everywhere

I'd like to take a look at it

Can we get some down here

Ha ha ha ha ha ha

Of course not

Let me get this straight

You don't know what it is you don't know where it is

And we can't get any

Put that to the one side

Let's put the Lord faith eternity and whatever on the other side

Show of hands

I'll take Jesus I'll take Jesus I'll take Jesus every time

I'll take Jesus I'll take Jesus I'll take Jesus every time

Yes I will yes I will yes I will yes I will

I'll take Jesus I'll take Jesus I'll take Jesus every time

All right one nothing

Next one's gonna be a hard one

It's about the theory of evolution and it's about animals also

So give me someone knows somethin' about evolution and animals

Who you got

Wow you're a beautiful woman aren't you

Doesn't matter of course

But if this science thing doesn't work out for you

Oh don't boo me don't boo me

I'm just kiddin' you you know that

Here's my question explain me the giraffe

Go ahead

Elaborate

With pleasure miss

The giraffe to survive must eat leaves high up on the Yabba Yabba tree

That's true isn't it

Of course it is

Everyone knows that

But Mr. Darwin's giraffe the halfway-giraffe

With a halfway-giraffe neck

Could never have reached the highest branches of the Yabba Yabba

Therefore he could not have survived

It's only common sense

Unfortunately for you Mr. Charles Darwin

Didn't have any common sense

Evolution is a theory and we have just now tonight disproved it

Show of hands

I'll take Jesus I'll take Jesus I'll take Jesus every time

I'll take Jesus I'll take Jesus I'll take Jesus every time

Yes I will yes I will yes I will yes I will

I'll take Jesus every time

All right two nothing

Next question global warming

Is it and if so so what

One of the true believers seeks to be recognized

Hand him a mic Charles

Thank you

Sir do you know what you are you're an idiot

You're a strawman a fabrication

You see the author of this little vignette

Mr. Newman self-described atheist and communist

Creates characters like you as objects of ridicule

He doesn't believe anything he has you say

Nor does he want us to believe anything you say

Makes it easy for him to knock you down hence a strawman

I myself believe in Jesus

I believe in evolution also

I believe in global warming and in life everlasting

No one can knock me down

Oh we can knock you down Mister

We can knock your communist friend down too Communist

You call me an idiot

We've been knocking people like Mr. Newman down for years and years

Like this page 35 Georgie

Mrs. Dorothy page 35

I know someone is watching me

Everywhere I go

Someone sees everything I see

Knows everything I know

When I'm in trouble don't have a friend

There's still somebody on whom I can depend

Someone who'll be there 'till the very end

Someone is watching me

Someone is watching me

Someone is watching me

For so long I was too blind to see

Someone is watching

Someone is watching

Someone is watching me

Take a little break ladies and gentlemen

Fifteen maybe twenty-five minutes depending on how the merchandise is moving

We'll be right back