The One Where It All Began

Pilot

There's nothing to tell It's just some guy I work with

You're going out with the guy

There has to be something wrong with him

All right Joey Be nice

So does he have a hump and a hairpiece

Wait does he eat chalk

I don't want her to go through what I did with Carl

Okay everybody relax This is not even a date

It's just two people going out to dinner and not having ***

Sounds like a date to me

I'm in high school in the cafeteria

And I realize I'm totally naked

I've had that dream

Then I look down and I realize there is a phone

There

Instead of That's right

Never had that one

All of a sudden the phone starts to ring

What do I do Everyone starts looking at me

They weren't looking at you before

Finally I figure I'd better answer it

And it turns out it's my mother

Which is very very weird because she never calls me

Hi

He saysHello I want to kill myself

You okay

I feel like someone pulled my intestine out of my mouth

And tied it around my neck Cookie

Carol moved her stuff out today

Let me get you some coffee Thanks

No don't Stop cleansing my aura

Just leave my aura alone okay fine be murky

I'll be fine I hope she'll be happy No you don't

No I don't To hell with her She left me

You never knew she was a lesbian

No Okay

Why does everyone keep fixating on that

She didn't know How should I know

Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian

Did I say that out loud

I told Mom and Dad last night They took it pretty well

Oh really

So that hysterical phone call from a woman sobbing

I'll never have grandchildren was what A wrong number

Sorry

Look you're feeling a lot of pain right now

You're angry You're hurting

Can I tell you what the answer is

Strip joints

Hey you're single Have some hormones

But I don't want to be single okay

I just want to be married again

And I just want a million dollars

Rachel Oh Monica Thank God

I went to your building

And a guy with a hammer said you'd be here and you are

Can I get you some coffee Decaf

Everybody this is Rachel a Lincoln High survivor

This is everybody Chandler and Phoebe

Joey Remember my brother Ross

Sure

You want to tell us now or are we waiting for four wet bridesmaids

Well it started about a half hour before the wedding

I was in the room with all the presents

And I was looking at this really gorgeous Limoges gravy boat

When all of a sudden

Sweet 'N Low

I realized I was more turned on by this gravy boat than Barry

I got freaked out and it hit me：

How much Barry looks like Mr Potato Head Barry

I always knew he looked familiar but

I had to get out of there and I started wondering

Why am I doing this and Who am I doing it for

I didn't know where to go and I know we've drifted apart

But you're the only person I know here

Who wasn't invited to the wedding I hoped that wouldn't be an issue

I guess he bought her the pipe organ and she's really not happy about it

Tuna or egg salad Decide

I'll have whatever Christina's having

Daddy I just I can't marry him

Well it matters to me

If I let go of my hair my head will fall off

She should not be wearing those pants

Push her Push her down the stairs

Come on Daddy listen

All my life everyone's always told meYou're a shoe

You're a shoe

What if I don't want to be a shoe

What if I want to be a purse

Or a hat

No I don't want you to buy me a hat

It's a metaphor Daddy

You can see where he'd have trouble

Look Daddy it's my life

Well maybe I'll just stay here with Monica

I guess we've established she's staying with Monica

Well maybe that's my decision

Maybe I don't need your money

Wait I said maybe

Just breathe That's it

Try to think of nice calm things

Raindrops on roses And whiskers on kittens

Doorbells and sleigh bells And something with mittens

La la la something And noodles with string

I'm all better now

I helped

This is probably for the best

Independence Controlling your life The whole hat thing

You can always come to Joey

Me and Chandler live across the hall He's away a lot

Stop hitting on her It's her wedding day

Like there's a rule or something

I got it

Please don't do that again It's a horrible sound

It's Paul

Oh God is it 6:30 Buzz him in

Who's Paul Paul the wine guy

Maybe

Your not a real date is with Paul the wine guy

He finally asked you out Yes

It's a Dear Diary moment

Rach I can cancel Please go I'll be fine

Ross are you okay Do you want me to stay Ross

That'd be good

Really Go on It's Paul the wine guy

Does he sell it drink it

Or he just complains a lot

Hi come in Paul this is

Everybody Everybody this is Paul

The wine guy I didn't catch your name Paul

I'll be right back I've just gotta go

A wandering

Change

Sit down Two seconds

I just pulled out four eyelashes That can't be good

Hey Paul here's a tip

She really likes it when you rub her neck in the same spot

Until it starts to get red

Shut up Joey

What are you up to tonight

I was supposed to be headed for Aruba on my honeymoon

So nothing

Right You're not even getting your honeymoon

Although Aruba This time of year

Talk about your

Big lizards

If you don't want to be alone tonight

Joey and Chandler are helping me with my furniture

We're very excited about it

Thanks But I'm just going to hang out here

It's been a long day Oh sure

Phoebe wanna help

Love is sweet as summer showers Love is a wondrous work of art

But your love Oh your love your love

Is like a giant pigeon

Crapping on my heart

Thank you La la la la la

I'm supposed to attach a bracket y thing to the side things

Using a bunch of these little worm guys

I have no bracket y thing I see no worm guys whatsoever

And I cannot feel my legs

We got a bookcase It's beautiful

What's this

I would have to say that is an L shaped bracket

Which goes where I have no idea

Done with the bookcase All finished

This was Carol's favorite beer

She always drank it out of the can I should have known

Start with that we're out of here Please don't spoil all this fun

Let me ask you Ross

She got the furniture the stereo the good TV

What did you get

You guys You got screwed

Oh my God I know I'm such an idiot

I should've known when she went to the dentist five times a week

I mean how clean can teeth get

My brother's going through that

How did you get over it

He might accidentally break something valuable of hers

Say her Leg

That's one way of doing it I went for the watch

You actually broke her watch

Steer clear of you That's right

Barry I'm sorry I am so sorry Barry

You probably think it's about making love with your socks on but it isn't

It's about me And I just

The machine cut me off again Anyway

I know that some lucky girl is going to become Mrs Barry finkel

But it isn't me It's not me

Not that I have any idea who me is right now but you just

I'm divorced

I'm only 26 and I'm divorced Shut up

That only took me an hour

We haven't had a relationship that's lasted longer than a Mento Ross

You have had the love of a woman for four years

Four years of closeness and sharing after which she ripped your heart out

That is why we don't do it

I don't think that was my point

Know what's scary What if there's only one woman for everybody

I mean what if you get one woman and that's it

Unfortunately in my case there was only one woman for her

What are you talking about One woman

That's like saying there's only one flavor of ice cream

Let me tell you something There's lots of flavors out there

Rocky road and cookie dough and bing cherry vanilla

You can get them with jimmies or nuts or whipped cream

It's the best thing to happen to you

You got married You were like what 8

I don't know if I'm hungry or horny Then stay out of my freezer

Ever since she walked out on me

What

You wanna spell it out with noodles

It's more of a fifth date kind of revelation

Isn't there

Yeah yeah I think there is

What were you going to say

Ever since she left me

I haven't been able to perform

***ually

Oh God I'm so sorry

Being spit on is probably not what you need right now

How long

Two years Wow

I'm glad you smashed her watch

So you still think you might want that fifth date

Yeah Yeah I do

We are gathered here to join Joanie Louise Cunningham

And Charles Chachi Chachi Chachi

In the bonds of holy matrimony

See

But Joanie loved Chachi That's the difference

Grab a spoon

Do you know how long it's been since I grabbed a spoon

Do the wordsBilly don't be a hero mean anything to you

Great story But I gotta go

I got a date with Andrea Angela No Andrea

Andrea's the screamer Angela has cats

Right thanks It's Julie I'm out of here

Here's the thing Even if I could get it together enough

To ask a woman out

Isn't this amazing I've never made coffee in my life

That is amazing Congratulations

If I can make coffee there isn't anything I can't do

If you feel like you have to make a Western omelet or something

Although actually I'm really not that hungry

Oh good Lenny and Squiggy are here

Good morning Good morning

Morning Morning Paul

Hello Paul Hi Paul is it

Thank you so much Stop

Last night was like all my birthdays both graduations

Plus the barn raising scene in Witness

Thank you

That wasn't a real date

Shut up and put my table back

I've got to get to work

So like you guys all have jobs

Yeah we all have jobs That's how we buy stuff

Yeah I'm an actor Have I seen you in anything

I doubt it Mostly regional work

At the little theater in the park

It was a job

Look Geppetto I'm a real live boy

I will not take this abuse You're right I'm sorry

You should both know that he's a dead man

Oh Chandler

How are you doing today Sleep okay

Did you talk to Barry I can't stop smiling

I see that You look like you slept with a hanger in your mouth

I know He's just so

Remember you and Tony Demarco Oh yeah

Well it's like that With feelings

Wow are you in trouble Big time

Want a wedding dress Hardly used

I think we're getting a little ahead of ourselves

I'm going to get up go to work and not think about him all day

Or else I'm going to get up and go to work

Wish me luck What for

I'm gonna go get one of those job things

Hi Monica Franny welcome back

How was Florida You had ***didn't you

How do you do that I hate you

I'm pushing my aunt through Parrot Jungle you're having ***

So who

You know Paul

Paul the wine guy Yeah I know Paul

You mean you know Paul like I know Paul

What I take credit for Paul

Before me there was no snap in his turtle for two years

Of course it was a line

Why would anybody do something like that

I assume we want an answer more sophisticated than：

To get you into bed

I hate men

Don't hate You don't want to put that out into the universe

Is it me

Is it like I have some sort of beacon that only dogs

And men with emotional problems can hear

Come here Give me your feet

I just thought he was nice you know

I can't believe you didn't know it was a line

Guess what You got a job

Are you kidding I'm trained for nothing

I was laughed out of 12 interviews You're surprisingly upbeat

You'd be too if you found these boots on sale

50 off 5

How well you know me

They're my I don't need a job

I've got great boots boots

How did you pay Credit card

And who pays for that

My father

Is this really necessary I can stop charging any time

You can't live off your parents

I know that That's why I was getting married

Give her a break It's hard being on your own

Thank you

I remember when I first came to this city I was 14

Mom had killed herself stepdad was in jail

I didn't know anybody here

I ended up living with this albino guy who was cleaning windshields

And then he killed himself

Then I found aromatherapy So I know exactly how you feel

The word you're looking for is：

You ready No how can I be ready

Ready to jump out of the plane with no parachute

I can't do this I know you can

No You made coffee you can do anything

Cut Cut Cut

You know what I think we can leave it at that

Kind of a symbolic gesture Rachel that was a library card

If you listen closely you can hear a thousand retailers scream

Welcome to the real world

It sucks You're gonna love it

That's it Are you going to crash on the couch

No I gotta go home sometime Are you gonna be okay

Look what I just found on the floor

What

That's Paul's watch Just put it back where you found it

Oh boy All right

Good night everybody Good night

I'm sorry Have it I don't want it Split it

You probably didn't know this but in high school

I had a major crush on you

I knew

You did

I figured you thought I was Monica's geeky brother

I did

Listen do you think

Try not to let my vulnerability become a factor here

Do you think it would be okay if I asked you out sometime

Yeah

Maybe

Okay

Okay maybe I will

Good night Good night

See you

Wait wait What's with you

I just grabbed a spoon

I can't believe what I'm hearing Can't believe what I'm hearing

What I said What I said

Would you stop Was I doing it again

Yes

I said you had a nice butt It's just not a great butt

You won't know a butt if it bit you There's an image

Would anybody like more coffee

You made it or you're serving it

I'm just serving it I'll have a cup of coffee

Kids new dream

I'm in Las Vegas

Miss more coffee

Could you give this to that guy over there

Go ahead Thank you

Sorry Okay Las Vegas

I'm in Las Vegas

I'm Liza Minnelli